Hotel California...

The timeless Eagles number is my title today, and I draw your attention to the closing lines of the song. It goes:

"Last thing I remember,

I was running for the door,

Had to find the passage back,

to the place I was before.

Relax said the Nightman,

we are programmed to receive,

You can check out any time you want,

but you can never leave! "

The immortal last para is the unwritten motto of every service provider in India.

A 'pre-approved credit card', a 'pre-loaded caller tune', a 'free-trial' depository/mutual fund investment service' a 'one-click add-on TV channel' - these are things that are easy to start.

Check-in is quick, painless.

Try to unsubscribe or return any of them, and sure enough, you're in the territory of the masochist. Endless, mind-numbing pain.

I've screamed at call center creatures, threatened 'relationship managers' with consumer courts, physically cut-up and mailed back 'free' credit cards...I've been around this block a few times.

My latest is my experience in "unsubscribing" my ESPN-Star add-on package from Tata Sky.

Golf just doesn't swing it for me and Formula One leaves me bored, so most of the year, I prefer to stay un-fashionably, un-manli-ly (I can make up words too, Arundati :-), un-sporty.

When cricket comes up, most of the India games are free on the national broadcaster Doordarshan, so, I don't quite miss ESPN-Star.

I had to make an exception for the FIFA World Cup. I signed up. It was easy.

I just had to check a box on the Tata Sky website, pay online with my card and sure enough, South Africa was in my box every evening.

Now that the Cup has been won and all that remains is for the Octopus to be divvied up between Germany and Netherlands and eaten, I logged on to TataSky, to 'uncheck' my subscription. No such luck.

I searched the entire website, but there was no exit door in sight.

Finally, I googled it and realised that many others had gone down this road before me. The only way to unsubscribe was to call TataSky on the phone.

After being call-centered (subject to endless hold music, recorded promotions & inane questions about my mother's maiden name/date of birth) the TataSky 'Ass-ociate' also wanted to know my reason for wanting to unsubscribe. She went on to explain the 'wide world of sports' that I was shutting out through my actions, how my children would be worse of for it, mildly hinting that they would grow up to be wusses and so on.

But i was ready. I had my best rhino hide on, and kept repeating my request to unsubscribe, till she finally gave in. I am, as of now, ESPN-Star-less again.

I've learnt the hard way that the best way to avoid these situations is to nip them in the bud, however enticing and harmless they may sound in the beginning. These things only get worse with time.

Whether its the mysterious MFIF ('mutual fund investment facility') Rs.110.25/- charge that shows up innocently on my bank statement or the the caller tune that's offered free for a month, I say no right away, firm and loud.

Private marketeers know how we think. They're banking on our weakness for free stuff, our not remembering later, our 'letting it slide'...in short, they're putting their kids through college, solely on their understanding of our human nature.

They know that once we've checked in, we are unlikely to move our backsides to check out, much less leave.